What Waiting Has Taught Me

Waiting has taught me to look deeper and be more critical about my choices while dating. In years past, my attraction to men was mostly physical. Now that I’ve spent more time thinking about what I want long term, I’m taking my time and really getting to know the person I’m dating. 

Not long ago, I did an exercise with a counselor. I wrote down the names of guys I had dated/been in a relationship with and wrote down what I liked about them and what attracted me to them. What I didn’t spend enough time on were the things I didn’t like. 

So, this weekend I’m going to write 3 names, what attracted me to them, what I liked and disliked and see if I can find any patterns. Then, I’ll take this knowledge along with what I’ve learned about myself  – including what I’ve done to attract these kinds of men – and decide what I need to do to attract a different kind of man. 

Will you do this exercise with me? It shouldn’t take long. The first time I did it, it was helpful. Now that I’ve had a longer stretch of dating the same person it will be interesting to see how (and if) my dating pattern has changed. 

Feel free to share what you learned! I’m hoping to break some chains and do a new thing in my dating life. I hope you are too.

Happy Waiting!

A Full Upgrade

So tomorrow is my birthday and I have lots of emotions. It’s the first time in a long time that things are working well and not working very well at all.

On Saturday, someone hit my (parked) car. I didn’t realize the extent of the damage until I tried to open the passenger door. Thank God I didn’t have someone else in the car.

There are a few things that are broken or need to be replaced around the house. While I am blessed to have a house, it feels like everything is falling apart.

Now, I can totally admit I’ve been emotional lately and am in desperate need of some fun times – but I can’t help but to remember that time I was sitting in my room, in my apt,tears rolling down my face  and with anger I said to God, “FINE! If you’re going to change things, I’m going to need a FULL upgrade!”

Since then, things have been changing. My old job became a new job. My old boss became a new boss. I bought a house, started grad school, and was recently promoted. Things fell apart to fall together. 

So today, while I am a bit uncomfortable, I am also hopeful because I know God can do the possible. 

I’m trusting God or a FULL upgrade. I hope you’re trusting Him too. 

Happy Waiting! 

A Time and a Season

Last week I bought 2 mangos. I LOVE mangos and I planned on eating them, at different times, for dessert. I guess fruit isn’t what most people would deem a dessert but it is for me.

I felt the first mango and I thought it was ripe enough to eat. Well…after cutting it and attempting to peel back the skin, it wasn’t. I was super disappointed but had 1 more mango left.

So a couple of days later, I felt up the second mango and attempted to eat it. It was so hard y’all. I couldn’t believe I had done the same thing TWICE! And wasted two perfectly good mangos smh!

Later on that week, I bought another mango. I took my time selecting it and made sure it was close to being ready to eat. I even waited another day or two. Then, when I was ready to eat it, I checked it again and decided to give it another day.

Finally, it was ready to eat and it was DELICIOUS! I am SO glad I waited.

I know me. Sometimes I rush to get to the end. I want that mango, that job, that boo and I’ll try to make a determination before it’s time. Do you do this as well? Or are you waiting patiently for the right time and the right season?

I believe God takes us through waiting periods. He has to work somethings out in us. While it is annoying to have to wait and watch and wait, sometimes it’s just not the right time.

I threw away two perfectly good mangos because I didn’t want to wait. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and ended up having to start all over.

I could have had 3 mangos by now smh.

So I implore you to wait. Wait for the right time, wait for the right season, wait until you have all of the facts or as many as you can get. Wait until you’re sure. Don’t rush it but also don’t move too slow. If you rush it, it may not be ready, you may not have all of the facts and you may have to throw it away. If you wait too long the opportunity might pass you by.

We’re in the middle of wedding season and I know the tendency for some is to push something further than it needs to go to get to the desired end. Don’t be that girl or guy. Wait. Take your time and make the very best decision.

There is a time and a season for EVERYTHING. Wait for your time and your season.

Happy Waiting!

Still

Life has been pretty hectic lately. I recently started a new job, grad classes began, and the adjustment…has been an adjustment.

In an effort to maximize my time, I decided to begin working out again after work. I’m really good at piling it on. I could be extremely busy but because I’m passionate about something, I’ll add it on anyway instead of just saying no. I wouldn’t even think it through because for some reason I felt the need to make a quick decision rather than weighing the cost.

So one night, when I came home from a marathon of work and working out, I found a creature waiting for me on my front door. It was a praying mantis.

I screamed a little, and then I felt like 1,000 bugs were crawling all over my body. I know this is dramatic but that’s how I felt. I even added it to my story on IG and sent a picture to a friend.  A message I received on IG seemed prophetic. It seems the praying mantis is a symbol of meditation, patience, and stillness. As I did a little online digging over the next week or so and paid attention to what God had been urging me to do, I realized that this thing that showed up on my door didn’t seem to be there without reason. I believe it was God telling me to slow down, be still, and think things through. Not to make any decisions in haste but to stay the course until I’m sure.

About a month ago I began listening to an audiobook by Brené Brown. The title of the book is The Power of Vulnerability. It is a MUST read/listen. In chapter 44 she says “would you rather be certain and miserable or uncertain and wholehearted?”

I don’t know about you but I’ve rushed MANY decisions just try to get to the end. I am famous for saying “so what do you want to do?” hoping to get to an end. What God is teaching me, and what he may be teaching you, is to wait and to really take your time.

If you’ve ever been heartbroken, it can be difficult to let things play out but if there’s anything I’ve learned this year, it’s that sometimes God sends you the desires of your heart in a package you didn’t expect. To recognize it as being from God, you may have to wait. I almost ruined a great opportunity because I couldn’t see past my fears and wait it out.

So, don’t be like old me – quick to make a decision and miserable, ending something without thinking it through, withdrawing completely because withdrawing appears to be easier than dealing. Be like new me – let things play out and be true to yourself so when it’s time to make a decision, you’ll make the right one.

Happy Waiting!

 

If I Knew Better

Fall 2016, I watched a few Andy Stanley sermons that were streaming on Netflix. In one of the sermons he said, although you may know better, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll do better. You have to make an effort to change your ways.

When you’re waiting, you have to be intentional about setting boundaries. This can be uncomfortable if you haven’t set these kinds of boundaries before. When you set boundaries while you wait, you choose you and If you haven’t been choosing you, it will be difficult to begin to. 

Choosing you means not letting things go too far or not having someone over too late. It means waiting awhile. It means delayed gratification.

It means changing your mindset.

What does intimacy look like while you’re waiting? Are you prepared to remind her/him of your boundaries?

In some cases, couples don’t share hotel rooms. They may not kiss or touch very much or they may do all of the above and be fine. It comes down to knowing yourself and your partner.

Maybe you have self-control and can manage intimate moments or maybe you need the other person to have more self-control.

Whatever the case may be, you have to know you and know when to say good night or good-day. Waiting isn’t easy but it creates more opportunities to get to know someone outside of the physical.

So now that you know better, do better. 

Don’t let lust get in the way of finding out if you have something that will be long-lasting. Doing better will help you make better decisions. It will also keep you from going to far too fast and getting hurt. Trust me – setting boundaries has kept me from a world of hurt. 

It also helped me figure out who was really for me. You never know, setting boundaries and putting you first might lead you to the partner your heart desires.

There’s someone out there who knows your worth. You just have to know it first. 

Happy Waiting!

It’s My Blogaversary!

One year ago today I published my first blog post on this site!  I can’t believe it’s been a year! Thanks so much to everyone who has read, liked, and shared my posts/site.

Talking about this was really hard for me. I’m a pretty private person.  Prior to this blog, I could probably count on one hand the number of people who knew about my journey.

While some think it’s admirable, other’s don’t. There is definitely a stigma. I’ve had folks 50+ and folks under 50 try to talk me out of waiting. They said I would find someone I could share that part of me with and that I could have a totally fulfilling relationship that included that level of intimacy. What they didn’t seem to understand is that I tried that and was tired of trying it that way and getting the same results. I needed a change and this was my change. So I had to tune them out, redirect the conversation, and go on my way.

I don’t expect everyone to wait but it is an option. You might read this blog and decide to wait, or you might decide not to. You might wait for a time and eventually have sex or for some, you’ve already been waiting. Whatever you decide, it is your decision. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for doing what feels right for you. It took me a long time to shake off misconceptions about my wait and to keep the faith while waiting. I had to learn to wait unapologetically.

There will always be critics. There will always be someone who doesn’t understand your journey. Honestly, they are too close.  I have close friends who waited. Having them around makes it easier. If you have friends who aren’t supportive, they’re not your friends. Show them the door and do what God has told/is telling you to do.

Happy Waiting!

 

Do it Alone

If you’ve been dating any length of time it can be difficult to transition from being in a relationship to being single again.

I remember knowing a relationship was coming to an end, and dreading the “get over it” process because for me, it lasted a long time.

After being with someone for a time, it can be difficult to go at life alone. You’re not getting sweet calls or texts throughout the day or looking forward to someone holding you at night. If you never develop the ability to be alone and content, your happiness will always be dependent upon someone else and you don’t that…well, I don’t want that.

There is strength in waiting. I know that doesn’t sound glamorous but learning how to do things on your own and enjoy your own company is something we should all strive for.

Some of us (I’ve definitely done this) will keep someone around who we know isn’t good for us.

He (or she) is convenient. They’re there when you want to go out, cuddle, have sex, go to the movies or just chill at the house. But you know he/she is not the one. You’ve always known. No news here.

So you buy time with this person. They may also be buying time with you but that’s another post for another day.

Have you heard the saying, “don’t waste your pretty?”, well don’t waste your time either. There may be some spiritual and emotional development God wants you to do and odds are, He wants you all to himself while He does a work in you.

I used to hate going places alone.  Now I go out to eat alone, the movies, I even go on trips…alone!  I got tired of wanting to go and do and not having someone to go and do with. Now, I do have friends, but spending time with a significant other is different.

I say all of this to say, go at it alone. You don’t have to have someone around for you to be ok. You can be happy all by yourself. If your happiness depends on someone else, you’ll never truly be happy.

You are responsible for your own happiness. Yes you, all by yourself. Take some time for yourself, get to know you again and don’t be afraid to do it alone.

Happy Waiting!